not déjà vu

Sometimes I know things before they happen. Or before I should know they have happened.

What do you call that? Prophecy? Second sight? Time travel?

I knew the phone would ring. I knew it would be her, the neighbor.

I knew one of our windshields would crack soon, then you sent me that picture.

I knew when you lied to me, even before I discovered the evidence.

What can I do with an inconsistent gift such as this? Does it have a purpose? Am I learning to trust it now because it will be important later?

Intuition isn't a strong enough word.

new words

This months book club selection was up to me. I had a book picked out but after a chance meeting in a coffee shop with a stranger I choose The Night Circus instead. 

I decided that this time I would look up every word I didn't know instead of skimming over it - skimming has become my terrible, terrible habit. Usually I use the surrounding sentences or whatever knowledge of etymology I possess to derive the meaning of an unknown word. But that feels so lazy when I own a smart phone...

Below are the words I had to look up. Some are so beautiful and have become new favorites. Some blogger won't even recognize as words. It keeps underlining them angrily. (Click to view the definitions).

Ailuromancy

Nomenclature

Exsanguinated

Amalgam

Antimony

Innocuous

Coalescence 

Penultimate

Auspicious

Ostensibly

Surreptitious

Ambient

Oneiromancy

Tenuous

Mercurial

Cartomancy

Carmine

Diaphanous

Incendiary

Do you have favorite words? Do you ever realize you've been using a word wrong -- for years?

fragile days

Today started rainy and soft.

I adore rainy days because they feel like a cozy, gray blanket I'm invited to wrap up in. Rainy days are invitations to cuddle, read books and eat pancakes. It felt like a mistake to leave my quilted nest to go to work.

But I went to work because I am an adult. (boo)

Today I felt fragile. Insubstantial. Breakable. Weak.

I assume we all feel fragile some days. Like a cold shoulder, frustrating encounter or one more disappointment will break our brittle spirit.

I needed hugs today. Hugs, blankets, kittens, flowers, bright stars, handwritten notes and dancing.

I didn't get any of those. But maybe the fragile days are here to show us that we are so much stronger than we think we are. Because I didn't break. I didn't shatter. And I will do it again brilliantly tomorrow.

mediocre

My life is so very small.

I thought I'd be that person who ate a well earned sandwich at the top if a mountain; who paddled the Colorado River;  discussed philosophy and great love by campfires; who traveled the world making friends of strangers and would never settle for mediocre.

But mediocre and "safe" crept in on the heels of fear. Fear convinced me to abandon my dreams and goals and to settle for "safe". But "safe" doesn't make life worth living. You may live long and in relative comfort but at what cost?

If we long to live should we listen? Can we even hear the cry any longer after years of suffocating it with Netflix, booze, pizza, shopping?

Someone once said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

I want something new.

I've got to have something new.

the absence of sadness

I hold the un-American conviction that happiness isn't the purpose of life. You will be happy and you will be unhappy. I've never deserted all things in the pursuit of happiness. It seems a fickle thing to tie your life to and I've always doubted the trustworthiness of my intense emotions to define my future. Making a choice that makes me happy feels like a trap. Perhaps I avoid happiness because I do not trust it?

Usually happiness is just a choice we make about our situation. A matter of attitude.

But after years of denying that happiness matters I'm at a loss. At what point should happiness factor in? Is it ever healthy to seek out happiness? Is the pursuit ever anything beyond a manifestation of selfishness?

I've been told that God doesn't care if I am happy. I've been told that God always wants me to be happy. Which is correct? I'm not convinced that God actually cares either way.

A lack of happiness will not ruin your life.

In the end is happiness just the emotional choice we make about our circumstances? Or is it the absence of sadness?

sugar cookie

Nanny used to bring my brother and I special sugar cookies. Coming in individual, white containers that opened like clam shells, they were more frosting than cookie. Usually there was a smiling brown bear, balloons or flowers on top. The squish and crunch mingled together in our mouths and on our messy cheeks and chins. We were kids raised to appreciate a good cookie.

That day the frosting was smeared. Peaks of it stuck to the cellophane of the box lid.

"I'm sorry about your cookies." Nanny said to us. Her veiny arms were bruised, attached to hands offering the imperfect cookies.

I didn't understand "car accident". All I knew was that my cookie was ugly. 

Both Nanny and her car looked ok. I was unsure how to express that I was upset. That I was worried about Nanny and her bruises like everyone else. Instead I took the cookie and walked away.

summer soundtrack

I wish I could justify burning the gas to drive around in the country on a night like tonight. Today was... taxing - in multiple ways and the outdoors refreshes my soul. Beauty makes me feel more alive after another wasted day. The clouds are heaped high, sunlight is golden-pink and because of the gorgeous breeze you want the windows down all the way.

It reminds me of all the country drives we took in high school. Arms out the windows, heading toward campfires and boys and best friends. Always looking forward to the future. Naturally music played a big part. Here's my current summer soundtrack - I've got my eye on a few interesting roads, maybe I'll explore them this weekend.

Lorde - Buzzcut Season

Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me

The Beatles - In My Life

James Vincent McMorrow - Follow Me Down to the Old Oak Tree

Anberlin - The Feel Good Drag

Simon & Garfunkel - America