mediocre

My life is so very small.

I thought I'd be that person who ate a well earned sandwich at the top if a mountain; who paddled the Colorado River;  discussed philosophy and great love by campfires; who traveled the world making friends of strangers and would never settle for mediocre.

But mediocre and "safe" crept in on the heels of fear. Fear convinced me to abandon my dreams and goals and to settle for "safe". But "safe" doesn't make life worth living. You may live long and in relative comfort but at what cost?

If we long to live should we listen? Can we even hear the cry any longer after years of suffocating it with Netflix, booze, pizza, shopping?

Someone once said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

I want something new.

I've got to have something new.

the absence of sadness

I hold the un-American conviction that happiness isn't the purpose of life. You will be happy and you will be unhappy. I've never deserted all things in the pursuit of happiness. It seems a fickle thing to tie your life to and I've always doubted the trustworthiness of my intense emotions to define my future. Making a choice that makes me happy feels like a trap. Perhaps I avoid happiness because I do not trust it?

Usually happiness is just a choice we make about our situation. A matter of attitude.

But after years of denying that happiness matters I'm at a loss. At what point should happiness factor in? Is it ever healthy to seek out happiness? Is the pursuit ever anything beyond a manifestation of selfishness?

I've been told that God doesn't care if I am happy. I've been told that God always wants me to be happy. Which is correct? I'm not convinced that God actually cares either way.

A lack of happiness will not ruin your life.

In the end is happiness just the emotional choice we make about our circumstances? Or is it the absence of sadness?