accomplished

Someone asked me recently what accomplishments I am most proud of.

There was silence.

Because, I never finished college.
I've not traveled outside my home country.
I'm divorced when I expected only death to part us.
I'm not bilingual.
I've started and abandoned the guitar, drawing, ballet, singing, piano, sewing, theater & horseback riding.
I've never published a book and I've always wanted to.

Negativity usually fills the empty spaces in my head. I literally could not think of something I was proud of.

I hated it.

I felt inadequate. Boring. Sub par. Insubstantial. Desperate. Like my life up to this point was wasted. 26 years of pointless existence.

But I was looking at the answer all wrong.
Because I'm trustworthy. Useful. Honest. Funny. Responsible. Attentive. Not materialistic. Creative. Reliable. Hospitable. I work hard. I try to reach out to people, draw them in, build them up. I listen. I love. I have integrity.

My character is the accomplishment that I'm the most proud of.

It's intangible. There's no plaque. And I'm deeply flawed - but there is grace. Grace to keep being refined by fire.

The conversation did inspire me to set some new goals but nothing we DO is more important than who we are. Or how we make other people feel.

mending

I didn't notice when I forgot what joy felt like.
It fell away noiselessly.
No fanfare.
No goodbye.
Leaving tears in every empty dark.

I lay ripped open begging to be done.

Then, quietly I learned to save myself.

My smile, too big for sleep now.
So many beautiful things in such a short time.

Faces I love are sewing my heart up one stitch after another.
Mending me with threads of laughter, touch and memories.

My body is warming slowly.
Air in these dying, shaking lungs.
Hope is mine.
Someday I will be alive and you will dance with me.

$25

To the person who stole all the cash from my wallet:

I hope against hope that you took it because you needed to buy food, clothing, etc for your family and were so desperate that you didn't see another way. In that case I'm glad to inadvertently give it to you and I hope it helps.

If, on the other hand, you are just a disgustingly greedy person who ignored the fact that my address is listed on my driver's license and is clearly visible when you open my wallet - I hope someday you learn that your integrity is worth a hell of a lot more than a measly $25.

hugs

Never underestimate the power of a hug.

I wish I was a hugger. I just don't think of it. It doesn't come naturally to me.

Is it possible to retrain yourself to be a hugger?

Next time you see me hug me.

momentum

Aren't we all just trying to continue our forward motion without constantly tripping?